God's Painting

I once heard the analogy that God is weaving our lives together like a tapestry, however, we can only see the back side of the tapestry.  If you have ever done needlework of any kind you know the back of the piece is a mess (well, for me anyway).  You see all the places you had to knot off colors, where you had to stretch to bring a color to a new area, etc.  This earthly life is the back of the tapestry.  Only in heaven will we get to see the other side, the beautiful side that is clear, and makes sense, and I believe it will take our breath away.

There is a line in the Steven Curtis Chapman song 'God Is God', it says....

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

The line I underlined is the same principle.  We are standing much too close to the painting to see the whole picture.  We only see a fraction of a miniscule amount.

The part of my painting that I'm seeing right now has me puzzled. 

Part of it has all the colors of the most beautiful sunrise sky that I've ever seen.  Imagine a sky with every hue of pink from the palest of pale, to the deepest of deep, and then it morphs into shades of indigo, violet, and deep purples, all the way to shades of twilight.  It takes my breath away

That portion of my painting is Madalynn.  All that is soft, and beautiful in my life.  Her life is new, and just dawning.  She is my light.

The other part I'm seeing is complete black, and darkness.... nothingness. (Don't take this to mean I'm living in a feeling of despair, that's not what I'm saying).  This is an area in my life that I'm seeking direction. 

How can these two images co-exist? 

I feel as if God is calling me to something beyond myself.  Finding something more to this life.  It should be interesting...

Chicks Rule!!

Just a quick update.

We had a Pampered Chef party last weekend, and a friend I met on my first trip to Guatemala, who JUST happens to live in New England was able to come with her beautiful daughter Isabelle... It made my heart burst to see our 2 girls together... I hope it was the first of many get-togethers (once we get Madalynn to stop hitting, and pushing... I think she needs to start spending time with some kids her own age :-)! Isabelle's Mom got some great pics.  This is the only one I got w/ them both looking at the camera.

Then as a surprise in the mail yesterday I got an outfit for Madalynn from my aunt that she found on a business trip... HOW CUTE IS THIS?!

This post is part of "Hi/Lo Thursday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check out their blog to read everyone else's "Hi/Lo" posts and get your link on their site.




My spiritual 'Hi' this week is a new stirring in my heart that God is asking me to step out, and live a life beyond what I'm doing now.

My emotional 'Low' this week is fear as to what the future will hold, and my ability to provide for me & my daughter.

This concludes our one year reflections...

This was my blog entry a year ago, the day after we arrived home.

I had several moments of unexpected tears yesterday. I knew I would be emotional when we landed in Atlanta, and I was, as that plane touched down (usually my least favorite part of flying I HATE landings). But, this time I was holding my daughter in my arms, and then my Dad put his hand on my arm, and we looked at each other, and just welled up. I expected those tears (and yes Kassie they were happy tears).

I didn't expect to cry the day before when I was handed her passport & visa, I didn't expect to cry as I held her in my arms, and boarded the shuttle bus to the airport in Guatemala City, I didn't expect to cry when we got through immigration, and the agent said 'Welcome home', I didn't expect to cry when riding the escalator at the airport, and the woman ahead of me asked how old she was, and I told her, and then said 'She just became a US citizen'. I didn't expect to cry as I was typing this.

I did expect to cry when we got in last night, and my Mom, brother, sister-in-law, nieces & nephew, and aunt were all anxiously waiting, they had 'Welcome Home' balloons, and my Mom bought a yellow sweetheart nosegay for her.

I finally collapsed into bed at about 2:30am, and I don't think I moved a muscle until about 7:00 when I got up to check on my pumpkin who was still sleeping.

Thank you all again for all your support, I can't wait for everyone to meet her. It was so wonderful to unpack my suitcases this morning, and not leave one packed for my next trip to Guatemala. Baby girl is home!!

I didn't expect to have tears reading all that again, but I did. I'll never forget that moment when the plane touched down in Atlanta, and my Dad & I just looked at each other, our eyes filled with tears, just exchanging a knowing look.

This year has flown by, and it still seems like just yesterday. Motherhood continues to be better than I imagined it would be. I keep waiting for the honeymoon to end. While her strong will can be a challenge at times, I wouldn't change a thing.

She has such a great personality... so feisty, and independent one minute, and then a little lovebug the next. I feel blessed, thankful, and still a little scared to be her Mom.

She is my heart, my joy, my life.

Celebration...

Thursday we had a small cake & balloons party to celebrate our 'Forever & Ever Day'.  My parents, brother & SIL came over with Madalynn's cousins for a small celebration.

My parents got her a balloon as big as she is that said "Happy Forever & Ever Day"

That morning when I dropped her off at my Mom's before work, I had my Mom take our picture...

Then this past Saturday we had a photo shoot with my dear friend Robin (click to check out her website... if you live in the New England area, and need a photographer for a special event,  wedding, or just want portraits done... go to Robin... you WON'T be disappointed).  Anyway... here are just a FEW of my favorites.  If you want to see all 186 you can go here. 

 

One Year.

One year has gone by. I can't believe it. For me it's amazing to think about all the emotional ups and downs of the journey to bring Madalynn home, and how my thoughts, emotions, and heart were all consumed with all things adoption related. Now that feeling has faded in the comfort, and peace of having her home. However, I can very easily draw those feelings to the surface just by remembering where I was a little over a year ago.

A lot has happened in that year...

365 bedtimes

365 different outfits (well not really, but you know what I mean :-)

365 "Good Morning Pumpkin"

1 Birthday

1 Christmas

365 days, and yet I still

• Love to say 'my daughter'.
• Haven't forgotten the 2 journeys I took to get to this point...
  • The first waiting 35 years to become a Mom.
  • The second... the 2+ year road I took that led me to her.
• Can't believe how much I've changed.
• Can't believe how much I haven't changed.
• Fear someone will knock on my door one day, and say there was a big mistake, and they have to take her away.
• Cringe everytime I see the word adopt used to refer to everything from trees, to stars, to ducks to videos.
• Long for a husband for me, and a Dad for her.
• Feel humbled, and grateful that my heavenly Father would entrust her to me.
• Feel guilty for all the children in the world without homes, and wonder why God leads some to earthly homes, and some not.
• Love my weekends & days off when it's just me & her.
• Love shopping for clothes for her.
• Always Sometimes laugh at things she does, when I should be correcting her.
• Love Fridays when I trade in my handbag for a diaper bag.
• Look at her everyday in amazement that she is here, and I get to be her Mom.
• Think of her birthmom everyday, and wish she could see what a joy, and delight she is.
• Miss the last stage she just was.
• Am excited for the stage she's about to be.

Forever & ever day...

Some call it 'Gotcha Day', some call it 'Forever Family Day', some call it 'Forever & ever day'... some celebrate it on the day their child was placed in their homes forever, some on the day they land on US soil. Whatever you call it, or whenever you celebrate it, all of us touched by the miracle of adoption know the significance of this day.

For us, our forever and ever day is tomorrow March 5th. The day Madalynn was placed in my arms forever. I still have the outfit she was wearing that day...

Not the greatest picture of us, but this was the moment... I am looking at the foster Mom in this picture. While it was such a joyful day for me, it was a heartbreaking one for her. I didn't walk into the room, and just take Madalynn... I sat on a couch next to her & her foster Mom for a little while until Madalynn, and the foster Mom were ready. Upon giving her to me the foster Mom quickly told me she was ready for a bottle, and a nap. I think at that point she needed to leave. I can't imagine what these foster Mom's go through.

The night before my flight out to pick her up an ice storm was predicted for the next morning, so my Mom (being a Mom) thought it best that I stay at a hotel near the airport so I could just hop on a shuttle in the A.M, and not drive the hour from our house in ice. So I agreed. I was pretty much packed, but remember having to rush a bit, and rearrange how things were packed to allow for an overnight stay. As I was walking out my front door, I just hugged my Mom, and started crying as I knew at that moment by stepping out of my door I was stepping out of my childless life, and stepping into my new life of motherhood.

There was no sense of loss in that moment, I wasn't crying feeling I needed to grieve the loss of my single life.

It was just the opposite, it was knowing I was less than 24 hours away from having my sweetest dream come true. It has been better than I imagined it would be.

This was my heart 1 year ago tonight...

All my bags are packed...

March 4, 2008

... I'm ready to go!!!! I can't believe it. I'm teary-eyed just typing this.

Tomorrow at 3pm Guatemala time Madalynn will be placed in my arms forever. I won't ever have to give her back, oyyy, here come the tears again!!!