A Single Life

 

Disclaimer; I just want to preface this post by saying I know marriage isn't the 'fix-it' to life's challenges.  This is just my view from where I'm presently sitting.

 

Being a 35+ single was not my plan in life.  My plan was a husband, and a gaggle (is that a word?) of kids.  I always dreamed of having 5 boys, and 1 girl (the girl last).  I had a romanticized idea of what my life would be (a cross between the Waltons, and Leave it to Beaver but with all the modern day conveniences).

As I've often said God had a different plan for my life.    Here I am on the other side of 35 creeping closer to 40, with the joy of my heart... my daughter sleeping a few feet away .  She is my joy, and I love our life, and our little family.  I feel selfish, and ungrateful to ask for more than that.  Yet, everyday I say a prayer that says 'Lord, we need a man in this house'.   I long to have more children (adopted or non-adopted), and don't see a way to do that in my single state.  I also long to have a partner to share this journey with.

On, and off over the years I've dipped my toe into the online dating scene with no success.  A handful of dates, none that came to anything.  I've also explored 'single' support groups, things like "Parents without Partners", etc.   But, what I tend to find is that I'm a different kind of single parent... particularly a single Mom.  I'm a single parent by deliberate choice.  I didn't have a man walk out on me, I didn't have a husband pass away leaving me to face the challenges alone.  I CHOSE the path of single parenting.

Several people told me in the early stages of my adoption plan, that being a single parent would be hard.  I've never understood using the word hard to describe relationships.  It's not HARD for me to love the people who are important to me.

When people would say that to me I never thought the parenting thing would be hard, and as a single I don't think it's any harder than being half of a couple, and parenting.  I pray everyday for wisdom in raising my spirited daughter.

The aspect of single parenting I find to be hard, is the day-to-day things which now are more complicated as a single Mom.   Those day-to-day things were hard before too, as a single.  As I said now they are just more complicated.  Projects to be done around the house, financial/job concerns, decisions to be made, taking the trash out (I know it's cliche but this is something I HATE doing) all these thing existed pre-parenthood.

There is no partner here to carry the emotional (happy & sad), spiritual (high & low),  and financial burdens.  It all falls to me.  One of my lowest single moments was a few weeks ago walking out of the church behind my grandmother's casket alone.

Above all of this I ache to have a man that Madalynn calls Daddy.  She has such a special relationship to my Dad for which I am so thankful.   But having a male presence in our household, that person that

• Will encourage her to take more risks than Mommy's heart can handle (insert here... jumping off of furniture, scaling walls, participating in contact sports etc).
• Will throw her higher in the air than Mommy can.
• Will make her feel like a princess.
• Will teach her through his example how a man who loves, and respects her will treat her.

I do love our little life together, and know that if this remains a single parent household that will be okay.  I can do this, I've done it, and will continue to do so.  God is good, and I will trust Him.