Her heart...

I worry about my daughter's heart... what mother doesn't?  I pray she'll have a heart that hunger, and thirsts for God, I pray she'll have a heart that will remember the moments of uncontrolled giggles, and playtime, a sense of warmth, joy, and security from her growing up years.  I pray she won't remember the moments when her Mommy gets angry or impatient.

As a child who was adopted she's suffered two losses of caregivers already in her young life.  First the loss of her birthmother.  A mother who carried her for 9 months, a woman she got to know.  She spent 9 months learning her birthmothers moods, voice, laughter, and tears.   Then the loss of her foster mother who cared for her for nearly the first 8 months of her life.  She was a part of that family unit for those 8 months.  Her first Christmas was with them, sharing in their customs, and traditions.  I am always mindful of these 2 early influences in her life.

While I no longer worry about her attaching & bonding to me, I feel very confident in our bond.  I do worry about how those early losses will affect her.  I wonder sometimes if some of her behavior stems from that on some level.  Will she struggle with fear of me leaving, or will she become fiercely independent as a defense mechanism? 

Last night after she'd fallen asleep I heard her say (yes she talks in her sleep)... "Wait for me!"...hearing her little voice say that, just cut through me, brings tears even now.  I knew it had something to do with a dream she was having, and I know dreams are a reflection of what's going on internally.  She does say that phrase often... she ALWAYS says it when I want to run in the basement quick for something...Maybe she was just having a dream that I was going in the basement, and she wanted to come with me, even so it was obviously on her mind.  One thing is for sure... from now on I will ALWAYS wait for her when I go in the basement.

I want to do everything in my power to continually reassure her that I'm her 'forever & ever' Mommy...  I want to be a better mother... I want to be a kinder mother.  That's the prayer for MY heart.