Being Single...

I have spent my entire life single. When I was in high school (yes high school) all I dreamed of was getting married, and having kids. I figured that would happen in college... it didn't. I did feel discouraged at this point wondering where I would meet "HIM". My 20's went by in various churches, and jobs. In my late 20's I got plugged into a dynamic singles group at my church. These were great years where I met some amazing friends that I still have today. We had grand (and not so grand) adventures together. But, alas... "HE" was still not to be found.



Now I am grateful that I didn't meet him in my 20's. Looking back I LOOOVED my 20's. I really found out who I am, and felt comfortable, and confident embracing that woman. I don't know that would have happened as a married version of me.



I've loved my 30's too. That woman I became in my 20's I've come to completely own in my 30's. My 30's have given me the freedom to let go of priorities from my 20's, and relax in my singleness. The desperation I felt to meet someone when I was younger has disappeared. I'm more resigned to life as a single woman, and now a single Mom.



In my 'About Me' section of this blog I say "I'm a single Mom by choice". I say 'by choice' so people will understand this is not a decision I have made lightly of flippantly. I sought God from the beginning of this journey, and now seek His wisdom, and guidance as a single Mom raising a daughter. I also sought the wisdom, and counsel of family, and friends. I don't know God's reasoning for calling me to this life, but this is where He has brought me, and I'm trusting Him to continue to provide.



Being single has it's rough days (as I'm sure marriage does too). There is a loneliness, and quiet in being single that unless you've lived it I don't think you can truly understand. I'm not referring to the loneliness & quiet that comes from being alone at home (although that plays a part). I'm referring to a loneliness & quiet in all things you do. Daily things can be constant reminders of your singleness.

Thankfully as I've gotten older those days are less, and less. When I do have one of those days I call it a 'singleness sucks' day (sorry Mom.... I know you hate that word). Mostly what I long for is just someone to share my life with. If any of you have a single in your life I would encourage you to reach out to him/her (and if you know a single Christian guy around my age in the New England area send him my way... heee-heee), invite him/her over for dinner, or back for lunch after church.

I wondered how having Madalynn in my life would change my single perspective. Before I moved forward with my plans to become a Mom I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to use my child to fill the emptiness of being single, that's not fair to a child. She can't fill the space, and longing I have for a husband.

As I've reflected on my life now as a Mom it's interesting how my single life thinking has changed. Having Madalynn didn't make the longing for a man to share my life fade, and in some ways having her has made it more acute. I get so much joy & delight from her that it makes me sad there isn't a man here to share in that joy & delight. To share in her celebrations, and her sorrows. Someone who will know her as well as I do. A co-cheerleader if you will. Of course there's all the practical things that having a husband would make easier as well.

She has brought life to a house that used to be empty, and truly made it a home.

I still pray everyday for God to provide a husband, however I know it will be okay if I come to the end of this life having never known that relationship.