Confessions of a single heart

***I've been working on this post for awhile... trying to get the thoughts in my head clear enough to put down & I want to preface this that I'm not assuming to know about infertility or the pain & hurt someone deals with in that struggle. Nor am I thinking marriage is the end all be all answer to life woes.  I'm speaking from the heart of one who aches to have a family unit.

Someone asked me awhile back if I was adopting because I was unable to have children.  I said I didn't know if I could or couldn't have children b/c I'd never tried to have children.  I have no reason to think I can't, although now my age would be an issue as I'd be considered an 'elderly' pregnancy, at the ripe old age of 36.

I've always had a heavy heart for couples who long to be parents, and have to struggle with infertility.  Perhaps because I know the longing to be a parent just in a different way.  My longing for a child encompassed my longing to be married, and share my life with someone, and build a family & life together.

Singleness is similar to infertility in that the core of your being aches to have, and become something that you feel powerless to achieve.  If you have a relationship with Christ you cry, shout, talk, pray, bargain, and in the end  choose to trust Him, very often more than once.  It's a continual surrender.

Both are dreams,  for some, like me,  a lifelong dream.  For some the dream of a spouse or a child will come, just later than originally planned.  For others that dream will never be fullfilled, and that is a loss. 

When you experience other losses in your life there is usually some acknowledgement of the loss.  When there is a death, family and friends rally around you.  You are upheld, prayed for, and have meals cooked for you.  You have a traditional ceremony to acknowledge the loss,  say good-bye, and celebrate the life that was lived. 

When you are grieving the loss of an unfullfilled dream there are no ceremonies.  There is no set point in time to stop, and acknowledge it.  To have friends, and family rally around you. 

You go through peaks and valleys in the longing.  Sometimes you have periods of time where you really feel as if you're over it, and have come to a point of accepting your life single.  You embrace it, and say this isn't so bad.  Then it will sneak up on you again so that you have an ache, and emptiness to your very core. 

You wonder what's wrong with you that it seems to come so easily to others.  Have you missed opportunities along the way or have you messed them up, and that was your only chance.  

Why is God withholding something from you that is a good thing?  A desire put in your heart by God.  Something that is part of His plan going back to creation. 

"The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."  Genesis 2:18

So again you choose to trust.  Trust in the character of God, and the things you know to be true. 

• God is good.
• God loves us.
• God is wise.
• God gives us what we need sometimes before we know we need it.
• God is sovreign.
• God's plan goes far beyond this earthly life, and we have to trust that.
• God's promises are true.

So for this moment I choose to trust in what I know is true, and thank God for the gift of the little girl sleeping down the hall.